Misión Cumplida!

In the words of Diego: Mission Complete!

After 2 incisions, loads of CO2 and a Percocet refusal, the IUD was removed and I was sent home.

My fears of “going under” have been dispelled. I was however led to believe I would have some fun with the general anesthesia and I did not. Casey was expecting me to wake up and say funny things. I woke up and was on the verge of crying. It took me like 20 minutes to choke back the tears. I think I was having a really bad dream.

I did not dream about the winning lottery numbers despite the request of the anesthesiologist. And I kind of wish I was still a smoker because that apparently that might have helped me to avoid throwing up during the car ride home.

It seems wrong that I awoke from my nightmare at 1:25 and was on the way home at 3:15. I felt kicked out. Aren’t they supposed to air on the side of caution and make you wait until you are begging them to go home? I wanted to stay there where you lay still, doze in and out of sleep and people are constantly wanting to adjust you and give you things that make you feel better. Oh right, that’s what happens when you have babies.

I had to fend off little boys within a couple hours of being home, only to be exiled to my bed island that Connor can now swim to. So I went to bed at the same time as them and awoke 12 hours later!

You must be wondering if I’m having withdrawals from my IUD. They didn’t even let me say goodbye at the hospital. I must admit I had grown pretty attached to it. Ha! Yes pun was completely intended… They actually found it almost completely buried in a layer of fatty tissue that surrounds my intestines. Thank god for fat right?

I’ve decided to move on. Me and my IUD… We were not meant to be.

So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen. Goodnight.

Modern Day Healthcare… another excerpt from “Life as we Know It””

Dogs get things stuck inside them all the time and doctors have to go in and retrieve them. You always hear about this sort of Sock-in-the-Stomach surgery. Well, thanks to modern medicine, I too will get the pleasure of having a search and rescue style surgery next week. The mission? Retrieve an IUD from my abdomen!

First things first, for my readers who aren’t knowledgeable about birth control, IUD stands for IntraUterine Device. As its name suggests, it is a device that is placed in your uterus to prevent pregnancy. And to further educate, at the risk of offending all you smarty-pants out there, the uterus only has an exit ramp, no internal fire exits or escape routes. There are only a few options: stay in there, hang out in the Fallopian tubes or ovaries, or egress through the only exit available – the Vajayjay (props Oprah).

Well there is one other option. Dig a hole in the wall of that warm, snug home that babies hate to leave, and set off on an adventure in search of mayhem, mystery and discomfort. That is the state of my non-compliant piece of dog poo device. It is hanging out somewhere near my left kidney, sometimes taking a jab at my organs and causing me to wince. It’s just sitting in no-man’s land wondering why it was so stupid to leave the womb. Wouldn’t you rather be in a womb? I would. Maybe the uterus is only warm and fuzzy when it actually has to be used as an incubator and it acted in an unwelcoming and cold way to this thing whose sole job is to put the uterus out of business, even if only temporarily. It’s all coming together now…

So what does one do upon finding out such information as “your IUD has left the building”? Freak out and meltdown simultaneously of course! Then one gets angry and wonders how that 1 in 1000 chance statistic about uterine perforation could possibly be true. Isn’t that just a CYA technique because it happened 1 time during the device’s clinical trials? Apparently not.

Then the anger turns to the world of healthcare today and all the things wrong with our system. Was this careless practice? Do medical practitioners not worry as much about mistakes because you have to sign your life away so their screw-ups will probably be covered? Does anyone care that these risks are a problem? When these drugs and devices work they are fantastic advances in medicine, but to have so many potential risks associated with them seems… Well, wrong.

Do you think dogs think about this stuff when they start chewing on the sock that will later get removed by way of scalpel? Does the little voice inside the sock start rambling off the potential risks associated with this pleasurable and fun activity, only for the dog to ignore it? I think not. Dogs just get to eat their sock without a care in the world, then get put to sleep for surgery, wake up and go searching for the matching piece of footwear when they get home.

I on the other hand must go through hours of Pre-op meetings, freak out over anesthesia, write my last will and testament “just in case”, and wait through the weekend cutting back on caffeine all the while! And of course also wondering if I bend the wrong way will this thing stuck inside me puncture something and cause my untimely demise? It’s been in there for 6-12 months already now, so I consider myself to be just a little miraculous.

So, now you ask… Would I rather be a dog with a sock stuck in my stomach? Oh, you weren’t wondering… Well I’ll tell you anyway… No, in fact I wouldn’t. If I was a dog approaching a sock rescue mission I would have nothing to think about other than when my owner will leave me alone again so I can go hunting for sock wabbits. I have much more important things to think about!

Dinner Time… an excerpt from “Life as We Know It”

The boys eat dinner at daycare, around 4:30 each day.  This makes my evening just a tad easier, because I don’t have ravenous ankle-biters bothering me while I am making dinner.  But just the same, by the time we sit down to eat, enough time has passed that they are ready to graze again.  Keep in mind that they even get a snack on most days right when we get home to make sure they remain occupied while I play Suzy Homemaker.  This is just the nature of the toddler… eat now, eat later, eat again… just in case someone forgets to feed me later, I won’t go hungry.

So here’s a quick look into dinner at my house on a typical week night.

6:30 pm

Christine: OK, let’s eat, I’m starving.
Casey: Be right there.
Parker: What you doing Mommy?
Christine: Eating dinner baby.
Parker: Eating dinner??
Christine: Yup, Daddy and Mommy are going to eat dinner now.
Parker: What is that Mommy??
Christine: It’s pasta.
Parker: Mmm!  I like pasta.
Christine: OK, well it’s Mommy and Daddy’s dinnertime, you already ate dinner, remember?
Parker: I like pasta Mommy.
Casey: So, did you have a good day?
Christine: Yeah, you know the usu- Connor, please get off my chair.
Parker: I have some pasta Mommy?
Christine: No, baby, this is Mommy’s dinner ok? You already had dinner at Mima’s house.
Casey: What were you saying hun?
Christine: Oh, yeah… just the usu- Connor, please don’t climb on my lap.
Parker: I have some pasta please?
Casey: Fine, Parker, here have a bite.
Parker: Yummy pasta!
Casey: Yes, Connor, you can have a bite too, just leave Mommy alone for a minute.
Christine:  How was your day Case?
Casey: It was alright.  Really busy.
Christine: Connor, seriously?  Get off my chair, this is Mommy’s dinner!
Parker: What’s that Mommy?
Christine: A meatball.
Parker: I have some meatball please?
Christine: Sure, here’s a taste.  Now please let Mommy and Daddy eat.
Parker: I watch TD (TV) please?
Christine: Connor knock it off.  Honey will you please help him up on the chair?
Parker: I watch TD please?
Christine: Fine, here.  Do you want to watch Qubo?
Parker: Yeah
Christine:  Connor please!
Casey:  Thanks for making dinner babe.
Christine: Yeah, whatever…

6:35 pm

Now open for suggestions…

It’s nearing the time that I figure out what to make of this blog thing.  A wise friend once told me “just write for writing’s sake!”  Well, I have a mild case of OCD.  I need to follow lists, meet goals and structure a plan.  However, the reason for creating a list of blog topics in the first place was to motivate the starting point of each post, and let it morph into something fun, inspiring and insightful.  I have 3 of 15 topics left on my original list to write about, then it will be time for a new, more exciting list… or so I hope.

I must say, I have way more fun writing about the things that aren’t on my list so I think that I will have fun making a whole list of random things to write about.  Here’s where you come in… I want my readers (I know that’s a pretty limited number of people, but just go with it…) to send me topics to write about.  Stupid topics.  Serious topics.  Weird topics.  Anything that you think I would enjoy writing about.

You can comment to this post, send me a message on Facebook, or Email me.  If I don’t receive any suggestions then I will a) know that I have zero fans (feeling guilted into sending one yet?); and b) have to make the damn list up myself!