Dogs get things stuck inside them all the time and doctors have to go in and retrieve them. You always hear about this sort of Sock-in-the-Stomach surgery. Well, thanks to modern medicine, I too will get the pleasure of having a search and rescue style surgery next week. The mission? Retrieve an IUD from my abdomen!
First things first, for my readers who aren’t knowledgeable about birth control, IUD stands for IntraUterine Device. As its name suggests, it is a device that is placed in your uterus to prevent pregnancy. And to further educate, at the risk of offending all you smarty-pants out there, the uterus only has an exit ramp, no internal fire exits or escape routes. There are only a few options: stay in there, hang out in the Fallopian tubes or ovaries, or egress through the only exit available – the Vajayjay (props Oprah).
Well there is one other option. Dig a hole in the wall of that warm, snug home that babies hate to leave, and set off on an adventure in search of mayhem, mystery and discomfort. That is the state of my non-compliant piece of dog poo device. It is hanging out somewhere near my left kidney, sometimes taking a jab at my organs and causing me to wince. It’s just sitting in no-man’s land wondering why it was so stupid to leave the womb. Wouldn’t you rather be in a womb? I would. Maybe the uterus is only warm and fuzzy when it actually has to be used as an incubator and it acted in an unwelcoming and cold way to this thing whose sole job is to put the uterus out of business, even if only temporarily. It’s all coming together now…
So what does one do upon finding out such information as “your IUD has left the building”? Freak out and meltdown simultaneously of course! Then one gets angry and wonders how that 1 in 1000 chance statistic about uterine perforation could possibly be true. Isn’t that just a CYA technique because it happened 1 time during the device’s clinical trials? Apparently not.
Then the anger turns to the world of healthcare today and all the things wrong with our system. Was this careless practice? Do medical practitioners not worry as much about mistakes because you have to sign your life away so their screw-ups will probably be covered? Does anyone care that these risks are a problem? When these drugs and devices work they are fantastic advances in medicine, but to have so many potential risks associated with them seems… Well, wrong.
Do you think dogs think about this stuff when they start chewing on the sock that will later get removed by way of scalpel? Does the little voice inside the sock start rambling off the potential risks associated with this pleasurable and fun activity, only for the dog to ignore it? I think not. Dogs just get to eat their sock without a care in the world, then get put to sleep for surgery, wake up and go searching for the matching piece of footwear when they get home.
I on the other hand must go through hours of Pre-op meetings, freak out over anesthesia, write my last will and testament “just in case”, and wait through the weekend cutting back on caffeine all the while! And of course also wondering if I bend the wrong way will this thing stuck inside me puncture something and cause my untimely demise? It’s been in there for 6-12 months already now, so I consider myself to be just a little miraculous.
So, now you ask… Would I rather be a dog with a sock stuck in my stomach? Oh, you weren’t wondering… Well I’ll tell you anyway… No, in fact I wouldn’t. If I was a dog approaching a sock rescue mission I would have nothing to think about other than when my owner will leave me alone again so I can go hunting for sock wabbits. I have much more important things to think about!