A Guide To Working At Home With Toddlers

1. Start early – there’s no way you will get 8 hours of work in if you start at 9 and end at 5.  6 am ought to do.

2. Create sound proof barriers – a door alone will not work.  Kids love to move couch cushions and pillows around, so take advantage, and ask them to pile them up along the base of the door frame.  Don’t forget to lock the door.

3. Warn each and every caller at the beginning of the call that there is a risk of excessive background noise, and not to be concerned, everyone will be fine – regardless of what they hear.

4. Start lunchtime at 11 am.  It’s pretty typical for 4 chicken nuggets and a spoonful of mac n cheese to take an hour and a half to consume.

5. Provide a wide variety of snacks throughout the day – approximately 1 snack per 20 minutes, per child – a total of 3 lbs of gold fish, animal crackers, fruit snacks, and cliff bars daily.

6. Teach them how to use the remote.  Period.  End of sentence.

7. Keep an arsenal of surprises, treats and games that can be pulled out at a moment’s notice to dispel the screaming, biting, kicking, throwing and crying that ensues approximately once every 15 minutes when toddlers are left to their own devices.  (Note: the “Let’s See Who Can Be Quiet the Longest” game is a myth and does not exist, so do not waste your time)

8. Speaking of devices… Toddler proofing is different from baby proofing.  You must inspect every crevice of your house using a Toddler’s eye – that is, an eye of mischief, deviance, and creativity.

9. Put eyes in the back of your head.  No really.  Do it.

10. Take a 5 minute break every 15 minutes in between serving snacks, lunch, new DVDs, administering naps and dispelling the screaming, biting, kicking, throwing and crying to give some TLC to your kids – that’s why they are misbehaving.  Then refer to #1 and start earlier the next day since you’ve only accomplished approximately 1.67 hours of work by 5 pm.

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I’m not dormant… I just wish I was

What can I say?  Sometimes you just want to take a quick break – snuggle in for a long winter’s nap.  Yeah, I know it’s the middle of summer.  But you get my point… a little hibernation could do a mutha some good!

I am fully aware that you can’t sleep your problems away.  I am more interested in burrowing into a pile of pillows and blankets where I can’t be found and I don’t need to come out.  Just for a few days.  Not even to sleep, just to rest.  Just for solitude.

I’ve heard the word “Mommy” a few too many times in the past week.  I love being that subject matter, but can’t they just pick another word once in a while? I’d happily respond to “hey Lady!”  After 4 days of traveling and hotels, followed by 3 days of a new routine (or lack thereof), my two toddlers finally wore down. They watched 8 movies and took 2 1/2 hour naps.  No fighting.  No crying.  No expectations of lollipops, cookies or iPads.

Had I not needed to work all day, it would have been my day of dormancy. Instead I rewarded them with Oreos (my suggestion, not their demand) and told them how proud of them I was for being so good all day.  That felt good after 3 days of battling.

I could still use a little dormancy.  To get through a day where nobody needs me feels so simple, yet so unfathomable.  Do you even know how far  fathom is?

Eh, it’s only like 6 feet…

I digress.

To get somewhere you gotta go uphill.  No, that’s not right.
To succeed, you must feel defeat… well that’s probably true, but I don’t think it’s a saying.
To not down a bottle of wine every night, you have to go to AA.  Uggh, also true, but I’m getting off topic…

I will go through the lows to reach the highs.  I will push my limits to feel success. And I will face every challenge head on to come out a better person on the other side.  That is why I will not go dormant.  That is why I will live like a human, not a bear and sleep away the tough times.  I will be Mommy every single friggin’ time they say “Mommy!”